"This past year was a rough year for me. Probably the worst year of my life. My family had a lot of health struggles and I was mentally unstable. I felt like I was alone and somewhat still feel that way. During Christmas time I almost made the decision to take my life. I realized that there was more to life so I kept going. But I still had the burden and pain. I was excited for the fact that I could finally go to H.S. camp this year and was looking forward to it. Sunday night before camp I accidentally ruined one of my closest friendships. Monday morning I got to camp with a burden. A burden I felt terrible about. I spent a good chunk of Monday semi-depressed. Then Tuesday morning came. I was still feeling down and when it came to worship...I don't know what happened Something just came and lifted the burden and I felt whole again. That night was purity night. I remember going back relaxed and feeling better. Wednesday, I had an amazing experience. Wednesday night as we were walking back in silence I remember falling down to my knees and breaking down. I remember asking God..Lord give me the strength to carry on and forgive me God. Later that night. I heard what I needed to hear... God is life. Faith night is the main reason I come back to camp. This year was by far the best year and it changed my life. We went back to our dorm and I remember calling my parents and telling them that I love them. It was the first time in months that I said it and I meant it. Leaving camp was hard for me. I knew as soon as I left God was going to challenge me. Now even if I'm alone....there's two things that keep me going, God... and ... Give me faith to trust what you say that your good and your love is great. I'm broken inside, I give you my life. All I am I surrender. Every night I go to sleep with that song. And every morning I wake up to it. God has worked miracles and he truly has saved me and my life and I will never forget what he did for me at camp this year."
 -A teenage guy

"As a typical teenage girl I felt that most of my struggles were no different from the next person. Throughout all the things that I’ve dealt with I find that one problem has been a recurring theme in my life this past year. I haven’t been feeing loved. When I first started Spotlight, I was amazed by the love and friendliness that flowed throughout the cast. I was even more amazed when I went to my first year of camp that summer. I had a mountaintop experience. I felt so loved by everyone and I was feeling closer to God than ever. Nothing could bring me down. And that’s when it all went in the wrong direction. A few days after camp, my best friend and I had a falling out and our friendship ended. It was probably one of the hardest things of my life. I was so confused and angry with my friend and God. I kept wondering why God was doing this. I was being so good. I was reading the bible, praying and so forth. Why is he punishing me for my good deeds? After that things got worse. I soon felt incredibly distant from all my other friends. I was rarely invited to group gatherings. As if that wasn’t hard enough, my parents fought every day. The word “divorce” was thrown around like it had lost its meaning. My grandpa was diagnosed with cancer and tension between my parents and I grew as I approached college and other adult things like that. Through all this I was still alone. Because of this, I turned to alcohol. To this day I consider it one of the worst choices I’ve ever made and I’m not just saying that. Yes, I was happy for a night but it only masked the pain. I tried running away several times but turned around because I felt guilty. One time, I considered suicide. I texted the one friend I really trusted and she really helped me. But then my parents saw the texts. The brushed off the texts like no big deal. They claimed I was “just emotional” and that it was “in the heat of the moment”. It wasn’t. Now let’s fast forward to this year at camp. Life was better. Some friendships were renewed and I was happy but I still didn’t feel closure. I was still unsure of why my friendship ended, why I was left alone, etc. On purity night I felt that God was really trying to tell me something. I just wasn’t sure what. I sat alone the whole night meditating on my thoughts and praying. I really wanted to connect with Him. Then Faith night came. Frankly, I was dreading it. I was horrified because I knew camp was coming to a close and after camp, reality happens. After Jimmy’s message, I was still feeling a little lost and confused. I wasn’t sure if God was trying to tell me something and if he was why he wasn’t being clear. During worship, I heard some of the most powerful lyrics I will ever experience. “Give me faith to trust what You say.” I started sobbing and laughing at the same time. I could hardly breathe I was so overcome by His spirit. That’s when I realized that I am NEVER alone. God was always with me from the beginning. He’s with me through the tears and laughter. And above all he knows what he’s doing! He doesn’t want to make us miserable. And at that moment I saw every struggle in my life and I saw the reason behind them. My friendship with my best friend wasn’t healthy. It only caused misery for the both of us. And because of all the fighting between my parents, my dad came to faith and is working so much harder on being a better father and husband. The fact of the matter is it doesn’t matter whether you have a thousand friends or maybe one. God is your best friend in the world and he will make your path straight. I need to trust Him in everything. That is why I’m writing this testimony. 2 weeks in fear and 4 revisions later I am sharing this testimony with everyone who has gone through trials where they felt alone. I have made it my goal to be a friend to everyone so they always have at least one person. I am sharing this because this is me letting go. I am letting go of the fear, anguish and sorrow. I am letting go of the past and looking forward to my bright future walking right beside our Lord!"
-A teenage girl

In this testimony I want to be very honest with all of you. Before I wrote this I had written two testimonies about  this year at camp, but as I read through them I realized they weren’t who I truly am. So this is me throwing everything in.  

My last year was a bit of a physical struggle. I had several injuries and they all seemed to be thrown at me all at the same time. It was very stressful for me because I was incapable of doing a lot of activities which bothers me very much. I am the kind of person who doesn’t like to show weakness and toughs it out. Usually if I get physically hurt I pretend that everything is alright and I can shake it off. I did this with my ankle which I just figured was a sprain and acted like it was no big deal. Little did I know it was actually fractured and it is still not healed because I didn’t tell anyone how much it actually hurt. Now some of you may be thinking: “what does this have to do with a camp testimony?” Well, through this injury I realized (just now actually) that I do the exact same thing emotionally.

When I was about three my parents got divorced. Back then I didn’t really understand the concept of it, only that my dad lived in another state. As I started to grow up I noticed that he only called on my Birthday and Christmas and sent me presents on those days. That was my relationship with my dad for 11 years. 2 phone calls a year, maybe an occasional email. Just this year he emailed me saying he wanted to visit me for my birthday. I really had no idea what to say. Automatically I should have just been saying yes, because that was the chance to finally see him in person. However, there was a small piece of my heart that was reluctant. I had contacted one of the counselors the past summer about a similar situation and they had said that God wants us to reconnect with those we have lost, even if it doesn’t mean becoming extremely close. It requires baby steps. I decided to say yes, but as the days lead up to my birthday I was dreading the day he was coming rather than glowing with excitement. When the day came I was so emotionally confused that I couldn’t even go say “hi” to him. I didn’t have any clue what to say, how to react, what to look like, and even how to truly feel about it. He ended up staying the long weekend and we spent some time around my town. I thought that that time would have been a time to catch up but his way of fixing that long amount of time away from each other was to buy me things. After all that time of that weak relationship he still hadn’t changed. All I had wanted was my dad to finally fill in that huge gap he had left so long ago, and he still hasn’t realized that today.

My mom has hurt me emotionally very much. She has raised me my whole life and I love her but her decisions have wounded my heart SO deeply that sometimes it’s difficult to be able to say that. I don’t want to get into complete details but she has made some pretty bad choices on her lifestyle and those choices have dragged me down. It was like I was caught on an anchor and stuck at the bottom. For several years I would pray and pray and pray to God about why He was putting me through all of this struggle. I couldn’t understand why He chose me to be stuck with such pain. It was so hard for me and I was so ashamed of what my mom had done that I could never speak to a single soul about it. Everyday around my friends, neighbors, and other family I would pretend that my life was so great but it really wasn’t. I couldn’t even admit to myself the pain I was in until camp this year. After what I had been going through with my mom and dad, I was just about ready to give up on God. He wasn’t helping me at all. There was still a small part of me that kept reminding me of camp though. So I decided to hang on just a bit longer. I am so glad I did.

This year at camp I was welcomed into new, warm, and encouraging arms of my new friends or should I say, family. I finally could talk to the counselors face-to-face after a year of waiting. Right at the beginning of camp I could automatically feel my struggles fading away and me growing closer to God. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday went by in a flash. When Thursday had hit, I realized that I would be walking back into the other 95% of my life very soon. I knew that with the support and help from the people at camp that I could finally let out what I had kept in for so long before the week was up. I finally got to talk to a counselor. I let everything out and it felt so amazing. I had finally been released from the anchor I had been caught on. That counselor had let me know that she would be there for me every step of the way, far beyond camp and that God would too. That reassurance had felt so great and I am so thankful to have been able to talk to her.

On the last day I knew there was one more person I needed to get help from. There wasn’t much time I could talk to that counselor but in that short amount of time, he had filled the hole in my heart that hadn’t been filled in a very long time. After feeling unloved and unimportant, he had told me that I was inspiring. Nobody has ever told me that I was an inspiration to them.  I didn’t and still don’t feel worthy of that praise because I have been thrown down so much that I’m not used to it. But it had showed me that even without as much support at home, I had 150 other people in the same room who would show me that I mean something. He had also suggested that I tell the camp about what I am going through. I had felt immediate panic when that thought went through my head but God was telling me that it was time to let go of holding it in. So this is what I am doing for all of you. It has taken A LOT of courage from me to not leave this anonymous but I know in my heart that this is for not only me but all of you. I’ve felt that hard time where I felt that I had to keep quiet and stay in my surreal perfect world around everyone and I don’t want people to feel like they have to do that. Speaking out about problems if probably one of the most difficult things in life, but it is the first step in taking all of that pain away. There are people out there, including me, that just want to hold your hand and say “I’m here for you”. It sounds extremely cliché, but I really mean it and if I didn’t I wouldn’t be doing this right now. So even when you can’t speak to your closest family and friends like I couldn’t or you just need someone to talk to, please send me a message, text, email, letter, phone call or anything. Now if you’ve gotten through this lengthy testimony, don’t feel afraid to speak out.

One last thing: waiting is the most difficult part. Trust me I know. Now that I have gotten back from camp I have realized that my problems won’t be fixed right away. I learned that God is slowly but surely working to answer my prayers even if it’s not the way I planned them to be.  I have to keep trying and keep praying and not give up after one week of camp. And I pray that all of you will walk with me and wait.  

-Brielle W.

“But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for my savior; my God will hear me.” (Micah 7:7)

Going into High School camp, I had, in a way, forgotten who I was in terms of my relationship with God.  Middle school got hard - not only academically, but my friendships began to change.  By the time 8th grade had finished, I had only about 1-2 close friends.  I felt alone - but not to the point where I'd make any drastic decisions.  I still had my Spotlight friends and my supportive family, which I'm SO thankful for.  I came to camp searching for friends, God, and my true identity.  Once I got there, it became apparent who I really am.  I'm loved by God.  I'm not ashamed of loving Him or sharing His word with others.  I met SO many true friends this year, and I will be forever grateful. 

I learned so much this year about this one thing: passion.  Not the weird "lovey-dovey" kind of passion, but intense passion for God.  Whenever Jon prayed, I couldn't help but tear up - God spoke through him in miraculous ways this week, and it really touched me.  Also, on Thursday night when Jimmy spoke to us, his *passion* for God was so apparent, and I learned so much from him, as well. But most of all, when everyone was singing so *passionately* at once, I felt God's presence in ways that I've never felt Him before.  He loves each and every person, and He will never let us go - and THAT blows my mind. 

The words of the main song this week, "Give Me Faith", really hit me.  Here's just a few:

"Give me faith to trust what You say.  
That You're good, and Your love is great.  
I'm broken inside I give you my life."

That song helped me (and continues to help me) admit that I AM BROKEN, and so is everyone else in this broken world.  But with God, nothing's impossible, and I *passionately* believe in those powerful words. 

"To sum up camp in a few simple words...it’s my happy place. Its not just 150 students coming together to have a little fun and produce a show in a week, but so much more than that, and for those who have never been, it's hard to understand. Last summer, going to camp literally became the best week of my life and although I recognized that no two years are the same, I began a countdown the days until camp, starting in February and the anticipation of being in those moments once again was unreal. I knew I would get to see both old friends and meet new, while growing by leaps and bounds in fellowship with them all. 

I walked in Monday morning a little worried because I knew in my mind I had such high standards and I prayed that God would just bless the week, work wonders, and keep me open-minded (that last point being a major one.) After the night ended I felt as though God wasn’t totally present in my heart and I got nervous because that's all I really wanted for the week. Well, BAM, He answered all of my prayers. God continued to amaze me in some ways that I didn’t even realize until after I was back home! I came to realize that the words we sang most primarily during worship, were exactly what I needed to hear in this stage of my life, “I may be weak but your spirits strong in me, my flesh may fail, but my God you never will.” Throughout the week, He was whispering right in my ear and presenting right in front of my face everything I needed to know. Those were the moments I cried out to Him that I wanted it to be true, “All I am, I surrender.” 

I’ve been yearning for a closer and more constant relationship with God and I could feel him in abundance, proving He would always be there. He put so many blessing in my life during the week and I couldn’t be more thankful that I had this opportunity. Many of us were still faced with obstacles this week but it only gave us room to grow in faith and understanding. Camp gives us unending opportunities for growth and discovering the person we’ve been, the person we are, and the person we want to be. One message that really stood out, was when Jon lead devotions and said “You can’t change the world if you’re in the Dead Sea” a quote so prevalent to our generation. He, as did the other counselors, allowed me to take a step back, and realize the bigger picture. The unfortunate drag and foux community within our society and I understood that that is exactly what I had been doing and now something I will strive to further myself from. 

Scanning the chapel during our personal time after devotions, a smile instantly appeared on my face as I noticed each camper in their own world, finding ways to become closer to God. I wish I could explain why, but it brought me much joy. Another shining example of the power and glory of the Lord was during faith night. I don’t think I've ever witnessed such a fulfilling experience where the sound of our voices alone shook walls. The tears shed and the hugs given alone were testaments to the safe environment and fellowship we had created. In all honesty, there are no words to truly describe the week and all of the emotions that go with it. But, one thing is definite…that was not a week! It flew by in the blink of an eye and those short 5 days were not enough, but it cannot be forgotten in another 5 days. 

For another year, this one special week will be the conversation topic that both my friends and family will tell me to finally shut up about, but I wont be able to. The friendships, joy with the laughter and the support with the tears, an energetic show, an inspiring and amazing team of counselors, and the undeniable constant presence of God is not something that’s easy to let go of. To be away from the rest of the world for a little while, surrounded by such greatness, is more than I could ask for. I don’t have to feel stress or worried or judged. I feel nothing but love and laughter and support. For that week, right where I was, is all that mattered. To be carefree and spirited and all the people around you the same, is a feeling that I don’t get often in many other places, ever. For those short 5 days I was exactly where I needed to be. #campFPTB in a nutshell…my happy place."

Now I grew up in a Christian home, I went to church almost every Sunday and I was just going through the motions of what I thought a good Christian was. I didn’t have a relationship with God and I never really thought twice about it. So the first year that I went to camp I wasn’t really a part of it. I didn’t really talk to anyone and I didn’t participate in any activities. I was one of the kids on purity and faith night who didn’t really listen to the person who was speaking and I really didn’t care because I wasn’t in a relationship with God. When faith night came around I saw all of these people with their eyes closed and their hands raised high above their heads while they cried and I remember just thinking to myself what is wrong with them. 

As camp came to a close and the year went on I kept in contact with some of the counselors and I started to think more about God. I would send messages with questions to them and they would answer but I still wasn’t fully getting it but I felt that I was on the right path to God. The year in between the camps was a hard year for me I had a lot of things happen and I became disconnect again. I got angry and frustrated and blamed it all on God. I told myself that it wasn’t Gods fault but I never fully believed it.

It was time for camp again and I was really excited because I knew more people and I was going with some of my best friends. I got to camp and the first few days were great. I was more connected, I was trying to learn more about God and I felt happy. Then on faith night the guy who was speaking told everyone to close their eyes and talk with god and all I could hear was my mind telling me all of the of the wrong and bad things that I have done in my life and I felt empty. I told myself that I had to find God because I didn’t want that feeling of emptiness and of being a failure again. Later that year I started high school and I was so distracted and focused on other things that I put God in the back seat. But that spring I was casted in another Spotlight show and I went to the morning devotions that we had on Saturdays and I tried to really listen to the person speaking and began to think about God again. I felt myself growing closer to him but I was so afraid to trust him because I was afraid of being hurt. 

This year was my first year at a HS overnight camp and I was really excited to go but for some reason I had this weird feeling that something was going to happen. I got to camp and made some new friends and I was having an amazing time! One of the days that we did worship we sang a song that said” I may be weak but your spirits strong in me my flesh may fail but my god you never will” and “Give me faith to trust what you say that you're good and your love is great”. We sang it a lot at camp and each time it hit me right in the heart and it reminded me of how empty and angry I felt. It was now the night for faith night and I was really excited but nervous about it. I have been through it before but I wasn’t prepared for what was about to happen.

As 150 of us piled into our seats we began to worship and do the devotions and Jimmy’s message really spoke to me. Right after we finished devotions and before we started to worship again I asked God if he would help me open my heart to him. So as we were worshiping I was standing there thinking about my life, frustrations, worries, and fears and then everyone started to sing that song and I immediately felt all of my burdens taken off of me. I just stood there with this giant grin on my face because for that moment I felt free!! I knew that there was a God and that he cared for me and loved me so much that I couldn’t ever comprehend all of it. I knew that he was my friend, my healer, and that no matter what I feel or say that he will always be there. I began to feel the tears rolling down my face and I shut my eyes, lifted my hands, and started to sing with all my might. I never wanted that feeling of happiness and being whole to end! But it did and the next morning during worship I wanted that feeling again but I didn’t find it and I couldn’t figure out why. So as we finished our last devotion as a camp, we broke out and wrote our letter to ourselves and all I could think about was how I had this amazing feeling and as I was writing my letter I wrote I hope you accept him and I knew instantly what I wanted to do. But I didn’t know how to say it so I went and found a counselor and I asked him if he would pray with me and he said sure. He asked me what we were praying about and I said that I wanted to accept Jesus as my savior. He got a smile on his face and said “Really, right now you want to?” With all my heart I said YES!! During that prayer I felt like I was on top of the world and that nothing could hurt me! I now know what was wrong with those campers from the past years. It wasn’t that something was wrong with them it was that something was right. They had God in their hearts and now so do I!!!

#6
"So my life got it pretty hard around 6th grade thats when the bullying started happening. Kids got mean at that age and they were bullying me because I was such a target because I was a tall kid and I was pretty fat. Then in seventh grade eight grade and this past year things got horrible. I self harmed I went through depression I went through divorce. And I was hanging off the cliff of losing my faith. But then this past week, it felt like two great giant hands grabbed me and put me back on the ground far away from the cliff, I reconnected with God and I cried and I shared stories with people who I now call my best friends, after talking to them for one day. I did the talent show I did hand drumming and I bruised it pretty badly, but I know if I hadn't have prayed before I went up there then I would have fallen off of those wobbly blocks. This camp had been just an amazing experience for me, I can't wait to go back. The song Give me faith really touches my heart because its the one line My flesh may fail but my god you never will. I love that song so much."         

#7
     " This year has been my 6th year at overnight camp with CYT/Spotlight. For some reason I just have to keep coming back. I can't even to begin to describe all of the wonderful friends I have made. But most of my best friends I have met at this camp! Not only friends, but I have an older sister because of camp. Rachael was my counselor three years ago and we would talk and she would give me advice, and after camp we stayed in touch and we are really close. She, along with other counselors and friends, has been the biggest support to me as I have been dealing with a lot. Camp has given me a purpose and hope that one day I will change someone's life the way these people have changed mine. I have God in my life! God! I can scream His name and it won't be loud enough! God has brought me to the camp to be with Him and these people He can shine His light through!









"

This year at camp was THE biggest blessing for me. To start off, I wasn't even supposed to be able to go because of the financial portion. But, God had different plans and knew I needed to be there so He put me on someone's heart who then felt led to anonymously support me. Right then I felt overwhelmed with love and joy, I couldn't believe someone would want me to go to a camp so bad that they'd put forth their hard earned money for me.

The friday before camp a lot happened to me, I went through a bad break up with someone who didn't treat me the way I should have been treated physically and emotionally. I lost all motivation to do anything, all motivation to go to camp. All I wanted to do was sit in my room and cry. But I kept thinking about how I needed to go because I couldn't miss out on what God had for me there. So I got there and kept my head high and faked a smile because that's something I'm pretty good at doing. And as the week progressed I still didn't feel anything. Here I was expecting some miraculous visit from God because it was through Him I even came and He wasn't doing anything, so I thought.

As Wednesday rolled around we had a surprise spiritual gathering at midnight. It was a practice called Lectio Divina, the verse they used was from Psalm 27 (one of my favorites) and I kept getting distracted. I couldn't focus on anything that was going on, so I separated myself from everyone around me and just broke down. I had no idea what was happening, my whole body was shaking and I started hyperventilating. Sarah was telling us to focus on what God was showing us and telling us, but I wasn't seeing, hearing or feeling anything at all. I started yelling at God so angry and confused for not being here with me and letting me feel as alone as I was. This whole week I was surrounded by amazing people and yet I still felt like I was all alone and that there was no one there who would notice if I just disappeared, and that's how I felt at that moment as well. I felt like God couldn't hear me, that when I prayed it was just me talking to myself and when I read the bible that it was just empty words on some page. Now, I grew up in an awesome Christian home with awesome Christian parents.. so I knew who God was and I knew what He could do, but I didn't see it in my own life. As the night ended I was at the point of just giving up, I didn't know why God would send me here if He wasn't going to do anything in my life. I didn't know why I was crying, I left that room feeling completely confused and abandoned. As Jon prayed over us before we walked back to the dorms, he told us to walk back in silence and to let God talk to us. As we all got up, a counselor stopped me and asked me to wait outside so we could walk together and talk, of course I said yes still confused. As I was waiting out there, I was still balling and shaking... holding myself the whole time trying to hold myself together. He came out and asked me what was going on, I told him almost all of it, I say almost because I have trouble opening up because I don't like to burden people with my troubles. He told me that sometimes we don't know what we're battling and we need to pray for clarity. He talked to me about how in Genesis Jacob was battling with an angel of God and didn't know it until after it was over and he came out of it with a limp. I opened up about how I was afraid to find out because I was afraid to face it, he prayed over me and I felt so much better. I've never felt so cared for by a guy in my life. Because I was in a bad relationship, I get scared of guys and I get scared of how they'll make me feel.. but that night I realized that not all guys are guys I need to be afraid of. And I think that that's what God needed me to see that night, He gave me confusion so that I could talk to this counselor and see that there are Godly men out there that are capable of loving a girl instead of putting her down. And that was only the beginning of the clarity we prayed for.

Thursday, faith night, I realized another portion of clarity I needed. It's faith night, so everyone is hugging each other and giving them words of affirmation. Well, someone came up to me and explained how beautiful I was.. in detail. Now, before this night I never knew that was possible. Being in that unGodly and unhealthy relationship put a lot more pressure on me than I thought.. I realized I hadn't finished a whole meal since I could remember, and friday morning, that's what I did. I had my first full meal, and finished all of it. As this person was explaining to me my beauty, I felt anxiety flow over me. The word "beautiful" has always haunted me. When someone says it to me, I get... almost mad. Because how could they lie to me like that, ya know? But the way this person was saying it was so... genuine. I couldn't believe my ears. It has gotten to the point in my life where I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, so I'd catch myself holding myself to try to hold myself together. I needed to hear how beautiful I was and I felt it for the first time in years. But, then I get back to the dorms and see how I look at myself in the mirror again and I went back to not loving myself...hating myself with such a passion and feeling that unworthiness.. and I thought about all that right after that genuine, loving person left me. I was crying out to God asking for protection FROM myself because I knew I needed to start taking care of my body. Right then I realized that I was so afraid of leaving camp and going back home to just myself getting me through life. I didn't feel strong enough and I knew if I didn't have this constant prayer and accountability, I'd go right back to eating half a meal with people and no meal while alone. I knew I needed to talk to a counselor, the one I felt most comfortable and safe with. But, like I said, I hate feeling like a burden on people... my problems don't matter. I finally got up the courage to open up this part of me not even my best friend knows and they announced it was time to go. I was left walking back alone and confused.

Like I said, Friday morning was the first meal I had eaten fully, and I felt disgusting afterwards. I went to devotions/worship STILL feeling this way. We got to write letters to ourselves this year that would get sent to us later on so that we wouldn't forget what we learned this year at camp... I didn't know what to say. I didn't have anything positive to say besides Wednesday at Lectio Divina. So I began to weep and pray and I decided to write down what I thought God would think of me, and it's what they've been telling us He thinks of us all week. He sees me as worthy, He sees me as someone worth fighting for, He sees me as His daughter and He sees me as... beautiful. I finished my letter and just sat there. Trying to hear him. Finally, I feel this overwhelming peace flow over my body. And I felt ready to talk to that counselor. Again, right as I stand up, it's time to leave. I went on with the day and prayed throughout it because it's the last day of camp and the hardest emotionally because it's my graduating year. I still had that random Peace over me though. And we finished up our showcase that night and I couldn't hold myself together. This camp has been the best thing that's ever happened to me and I knew it's something I needed each year. I never got to talk to anyone about this, but I'm now thinking it's because God was trying to tell me that I never needed anyone to talk to, I just needed Him. And I was so focused on yelling at Him in confusion that I never sat down and let Him talk to me.

It was true that God wanted me at this camp. That unhealthy relationship broke up because it wasn't what God had planned for me. It allowed me to open up my eyes to see that God has a guy out there for me that is just like Jon, Danny, Jimmy, Ben and Trevor. Amazing guys like that don't come around often and I feel so incredibly blessed to have gotten a chance to see that there are guys who care for girls and lift them up instead of drilling in their head about how unworthy they are. After camp that guy came back, apologizing and wanting to get back together, but because of how God had used these guy counselors in my life this year... I had the strength to say "no, I deserve better". That was the hardest, but best thing I have ever had to do. I still struggle with my self-worth/self-beauty, but because God opened my eyes to it even for a split second as that person was genuine with me.. I know it's possible to feel it again. I realized that this whole week while I was struggling, was getting me ready for something amazing that God was going to do for me the last 10 minutes of camp. Camp has given me FAITH to trust God and know that when I'm weak HE is strong... and that's the greatest gift I could have ever asked for. I feel so blessed that God put me on that person's heart to fund me in going to camp and that there is a counselor that I know I can go to WHENEVER with no judgment, who GENUINELY cares for me. #campFPTB.. forever.

Fellowship. Prayer. Teaching. Breaking bread. These are four of the many things I learned at camp. Fellowship- building a united group through trust and encouragement. Prayer- a conversation with God to give thanks, worship, and express love so that we may grow closer to Him and gain His wisdom. Teaching- living and sharing your understanding of the truth to help benefit God's kingdom, which furthers your personal belief in God. Breaking bread- the coming together of all communities to share, discuss, and be vulnerable in a safe environment. 

In my week at camp, I experienced what it's like to be in that safe environment. An environment where you can be open about your struggles and be accepted, loved, comforted, and prayed for no matter what! I went into camp having just been diagnosed with bipolar. I had known a year before they diagnosed me and I was already on medication. 7 pills a day. I went into camp feeling extremely depressed. I know for a fact that I wouldn't have made it through the week if it weren't for the people at camp. I doubted my strength for such a long time but at camp, I was told I was strong enough. They said that God gives his toughest battles to his strongest warriors. They all prayed for me. It wasn't until that week at camp that I began to have faith in myself. It was that week that I fully put my trust in God. I had been praying and praying for over a year and wondered why nothing seemed to change. 

It was at camp that I realized I needed to trust that God has a plan for me. Me having bipolar was and is part of that plan. At camp I felt so close to God. A closeness I had never felt before. I felt his love so strongly that every time we worshiped, I burst into tears! That strong feeling of being loved came from God, but he provided those people at camp to show me that love. So many people came up to me after Faith Night and told me how loved I was, how beautiful I was, and they all prayed for me. I shed so many tears at camp. Tears of depression, tears of joy, and tears that I cried for no reason! I honestly never felt so close to God in all my life. Words just can't describe how strong the feeling was. That feeling of being safe, loved, and forgiven for all my sins. My shame had faded away. 

As camp came to an end, I became more depressed. Yet this feeling of being safe and loved and forgiven did not go away. The depression still continues but it feels easier to overcome. I always knew God was on my side... But now, I feel it. It's as if he is holding my hand while I'm living with this depression. My depression, my anxiety, my OCD. It's all part of God's plan for me. I don't understand yet how this will benefit me or anyone else, but I know that something good will eventually come out of it. It's hard to go from getting a hug nearly every ten minutes to getting maybe two hugs in an entire day. It pains me so much to be away from camp; away from that safe environment. Camp could not have been any more perfect than it was! The memories will always be in my heart though! I know that the friends I made at camp will always be there for me. They are more than friends. They are my brothers and sisters in Christ!

      I attended high school overnight camp last year, and I felt closer to God than ever before. But as soon as I left camp, I kept drifting farther and farther from God. I was really close to giving up on God, because I just couldn't figure out why He never helped me out when I needed Him the most. And then I went to high school camp again this year. And the devotions addressed the EXACT thing I had recently had so much doubt about. It was like the counselors knew exactly what was going on in my head and were talking just to me. God used those devotions to change my heart. All of a sudden God showed Himself to me in a new way, and I recommitted my life to Him. This year when I left camp, it was different than last year. Instead of having a "spiritual high" at camp and then losing it the second I left camp, I still feel as close to God as I did on Faith Night, and trust me, that's saying something. It's no longer a feeling, I KNOW that my God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and I can trust Him to always be right by my side. God has taken over my life, and not just my life during camp week. All I am, I surrender.

My first thought signing up for high school camp: “This will be just like any other Spotlight camp I’ve done; normal.” You see, showing up to Spotlight for me has been the normal since age 7, and on top of that, worshiping God has been the normal to me since I was born. My mom, being a pastor, has encouraged a Christian community in my life and house since the day I opened my eyes.  I read the whole bible by age 12, have pretty much memorized and developed my own harmonies to a majority of the well-known worship songs, and got involved in this Christian theater program at a young age. Therefore, I have always felt that I knew God to a high enough level since I spend so much time “worshiping” and “being with” him. But walking into Footloose camp this year left me with a whole new opinion on my relationship with The Lord. 

After listening for the first two days to two counselor’s devotions, and then listening to Purity night on Tuesday, I began to develop questions. When I say so questions plural, I mean I actually filled up about 20 pages in my journal of questions and doubts I had about God. I realized how I have just looked at my relationship with God as a normal every day thing. I pretty much believed that it deserved no effort from me, but just would always be there no matter what. I realized how much I never actually understood what I had been reading in the Bible and how much I didn’t know about the Lord beyond the literal text itself. I wanted to discuss all my questions with one of the counselors in hope that they would help me figure out some of the answers. 

So camp continues and I kept trying to find answers to my questions and get conversations in, but every time I tried, the opportunity would be turned away. I ended up getting so frustrated one night that I just felt like God was telling me to stop trying. I didn’t even feel that I wanted to answer these questions anymore; it was pretty much a necessity to me. It was all I could think about. And on Thursday, I almost gave up completely, until Faith night. Beforehand, everyone was saying how it’s such a touching night and how they were so excited, but all I could think about were my questions, and I was pretty much closing my heart to God’s chance to answer them. So I walk in and sit down, and worship begins with Give Me Faith. One line in the song grabbed my attention; “I may be weak, but your spirits strong in me. My flesh may fail, but my God you never will”. My mind and emotions immediately broke down to these words. I’m never going to have all the answers. God has all the answers, and we are so weak in comparison and incapable of understanding it all, but his spirit has such strength to make up for that. This moment gave me a new happiness and clarity and a crazily deep hunger for a new and solid relationship. When I opened my eyes at the end of the final worship, 

I looked over and found the exact counselor I had been waiting to talk to without anyone there, and I knew God has just given me the opportunity I had been waiting for. But instead of asking my questions, my heart had taken a new direction. The conversation that took place right there has made given me a new huger for the Lord and for his teaching. I learned how my relationship with God is not “normal”. Every single relationship with God is not “normal”. It’s so much beyond that. Each and every one is extraordinarily beautiful and incomprehensive. My relationship with God has changed and given me a whole new level of happiness from this one week at camp. I never imagined that one week in that kind of community could change me this much. Let me tell you, high school camp this year was anything but normal, and I’m so very thankful for that.