"Last year, I came back from camp thinking I had this clear picture of what God wanted for my life, and that I basically had it all figured out. I was on fire for God, I was sharing the gospel with my friends, facebook friends, and even strangers. I was so motivated to be a disciple. But then I started seeing it as a closeness with God. I was constantly comparing myself to my friends and their relationship with God.. I knew I was closer to God than any of them were, or possibly would ever be. And once I saw it that way, I didn't realize that there was SO MUCH room to grow. Then around like, the end of winter I sort of started to notice that I wasn't as close to God as I was a few months ago. But then as schoolwork started to pick up, and I was casted in shows and I just had SO much going on, I was using the "I'm too busy" excuse. I never thought I would stoop that low... seriously, I was like "that's so pathetic!" I really thought I would never use that excuse. But it was almost in a subtle and deceiving way to myself. It was like "Oh, I'll read the Bible tomorrow" or "I'm so tired. I'll pray tomorrow morning". And then I never got around to it.
I came to High School camp this year, still not wanting to admit to myself that I was distant from God. My relationship with him at this point had basically dissolved besides all the little random prayers I would pray about casting or even boys I liked. I was just enjoying camp as usual, loving the counselors, the kids and games. During my devotional time, I took the spiritual gift test and remembered my gift for evangelism that I had put on the shelf, and came to face the fact that I wasn't close with God anymore. But still I was being the "shoulder to cry on" for my friends, so I wasn't too focused on myself. Thursday morning, all my friends were really coming to face themselves and I knew I would have to sooner or later. I really wanted to talk to someone, so went and found one of the counselors in the back by herself and I went over to talk to her. She totally related to me because she told me she had gone through the same thing many times and that made it really easy for me to just pour out to her everything that had been happening. I was crying and gasping, but it was time to start rehearsal.
That night, we had faith night, the best one we've ever had in my opinion. But I still had unfinished business with God. It was insane and I was talking to people I didn't even know and I feel like I had so much to say to people who I didn't even know their names. That night could've gone on forever. But eventually I made my way over to a counselor who greater explained to me what the feet washing thing meant and about planting ourselves in rivers and he washed my feet and prayed for me and I knew I had to make a change. It really happened that night... It wasn't a big deal, but it was a big deal in my heart. That was when I decided to come running back to Christ.
The next morning in worship was really when it hit me though. When we started singing "Never Once" by Matt Redman, I could only think about all the truth it gave me. "Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did you leave us on our own
You are faithful, God you are faithful
You are faithful, God you are faithful"
And all I could think about was that I had gone astray, and basically just left God hanging, and how he was there the whole time, carrying me and how through all that time I was ignoring him, he was there. The next song was "Marvelous Light", and if ANY song rings true after giving your life to Christ again, it's that one. All I could think about during that one was my renewed hope and how much change I would make this year. The lyrics aren't
"into this faded glow I'm walking slowly towards"
they are
"Into MARVELOUS LIGHT I'm RUNNING. Out of darkness out of shame." and THAT meant so much to me. I was bawling. I was crying so hard that I was gasping and couldn't sing, tears were streaming down my face. I mean like, running down my nose, chin, neck, I was soaked in happy tears. I mean, the last time I had cried this hard was at Andrew Lloyd Webber camp my first year, and then I didn't know why I was crying. This time, I had a reason. And I was SO glad that God was giving me new hope.
Now that I'm home, I've kept up so far. I can't get used to normal bedtimes though. Saturday night, I stayed up until 1:30 writing six pages in my prayer journal. And to help me memorize Bible verses, I started by printing one out on the computer and I hung it on my bedroom wall (it's HUGE AND EMPTY), and I decided that once I memorize a verse, I'll put up another one until my whole wall is full, overflowing, and I have lots of scripture with me."
I came to High School camp this year, still not wanting to admit to myself that I was distant from God. My relationship with him at this point had basically dissolved besides all the little random prayers I would pray about casting or even boys I liked. I was just enjoying camp as usual, loving the counselors, the kids and games. During my devotional time, I took the spiritual gift test and remembered my gift for evangelism that I had put on the shelf, and came to face the fact that I wasn't close with God anymore. But still I was being the "shoulder to cry on" for my friends, so I wasn't too focused on myself. Thursday morning, all my friends were really coming to face themselves and I knew I would have to sooner or later. I really wanted to talk to someone, so went and found one of the counselors in the back by herself and I went over to talk to her. She totally related to me because she told me she had gone through the same thing many times and that made it really easy for me to just pour out to her everything that had been happening. I was crying and gasping, but it was time to start rehearsal.
That night, we had faith night, the best one we've ever had in my opinion. But I still had unfinished business with God. It was insane and I was talking to people I didn't even know and I feel like I had so much to say to people who I didn't even know their names. That night could've gone on forever. But eventually I made my way over to a counselor who greater explained to me what the feet washing thing meant and about planting ourselves in rivers and he washed my feet and prayed for me and I knew I had to make a change. It really happened that night... It wasn't a big deal, but it was a big deal in my heart. That was when I decided to come running back to Christ.
The next morning in worship was really when it hit me though. When we started singing "Never Once" by Matt Redman, I could only think about all the truth it gave me. "Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did you leave us on our own
You are faithful, God you are faithful
You are faithful, God you are faithful"
And all I could think about was that I had gone astray, and basically just left God hanging, and how he was there the whole time, carrying me and how through all that time I was ignoring him, he was there. The next song was "Marvelous Light", and if ANY song rings true after giving your life to Christ again, it's that one. All I could think about during that one was my renewed hope and how much change I would make this year. The lyrics aren't
"into this faded glow I'm walking slowly towards"
they are
"Into MARVELOUS LIGHT I'm RUNNING. Out of darkness out of shame." and THAT meant so much to me. I was bawling. I was crying so hard that I was gasping and couldn't sing, tears were streaming down my face. I mean like, running down my nose, chin, neck, I was soaked in happy tears. I mean, the last time I had cried this hard was at Andrew Lloyd Webber camp my first year, and then I didn't know why I was crying. This time, I had a reason. And I was SO glad that God was giving me new hope.
Now that I'm home, I've kept up so far. I can't get used to normal bedtimes though. Saturday night, I stayed up until 1:30 writing six pages in my prayer journal. And to help me memorize Bible verses, I started by printing one out on the computer and I hung it on my bedroom wall (it's HUGE AND EMPTY), and I decided that once I memorize a verse, I'll put up another one until my whole wall is full, overflowing, and I have lots of scripture with me."
